New Year’s Resolution

For some it’s religion, for others it’s a medical catastrophe, and at this time of year, for many it’s the date. 1-1 of whatever. Time to turn things around. Do right. Save money. Lose weight. Learn something new. The life changing catalyst is infectious.

I’m not usually one to jump on a bandwagon. I’m the one on the sideline pointing and saying, “Jump on! It’ll be great!” But I think I’ll participate this time.

I’m ready to turn things around. Make a big change. Be a different me. For my New Year’s resolution, I will strive to be an asshole.

My reasons are simple. No one puts my best interest higher than I do. When you want to move something, you have to push. Positive change is never made without opposition. Progress is an uphill battle. Being a nice guy has never accomplished anything but mediocrity.
But big changes start with small steps. So here’s what I can do, starting today:

I will say “I love you” more, and lie.

When asked to lend a hand, I will offer a finger.

I will invite myself in, make myself at home, and when the question is “Who ate the last slice?” or “Who drank my last one?” the answer will be me.

I will drive with my high beams on.

I will mess with Texas.

I will poop in the restroom at your open house.

I will bring my full cart to the express lane.

I will tell the jokes that hurt a little.

I will bully.

I will blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

I will give away the ending.

I will take a hand-out, and demand more.

I will not change the roll, or put the seat down.

I will park in your spot.

I will be your greatest disappointment.

And I will not apologize.