For some it’s religion, for others it’s a medical catastrophe, and at this time of year, for many it’s the date. 1-1 of whatever. Time to turn things around. Do right. Save money. Lose weight. Learn something new. The life changing catalyst is infectious.
I’m not usually one to jump on a bandwagon. I’m the one on the sideline pointing and saying, “Jump on! It’ll be great!” But I think I’ll participate this time.
I’m ready to turn things around. Make a big change. Be a different me. For my New Year’s resolution, I will strive to be an asshole.
My reasons are simple. No one puts my best interest higher than I do. When you want to move something, you have to push. Positive change is never made without opposition. Progress is an uphill battle. Being a nice guy has never accomplished anything but mediocrity.
But big changes start with small steps. So here’s what I can do, starting today:
I will say “I love you” more, and lie.
When asked to lend a hand, I will offer a finger.
I will invite myself in, make myself at home, and when the question is “Who ate the last slice?” or “Who drank my last one?” the answer will be me.
I will drive with my high beams on.
I will mess with Texas.
I will poop in the restroom at your open house.
I will bring my full cart to the express lane.
I will tell the jokes that hurt a little.
I will bully.
I will blow out the candles on your birthday cake.
I will give away the ending.
I will take a hand-out, and demand more.
I will not change the roll, or put the seat down.
I will park in your spot.
I will be your greatest disappointment.
And I will not apologize.