Duck Research

At work, I keep a few crackers at my desk.


The reason for this is defence against duck attacks, of course. If a flock of ducks attack the station, who will be safe? Me, that’s who. I just toss the crackers in the floor, the ducks get distracted, and I walk out, no problem.

Then I started to worry. Are these enough crackers? How many ducks could I really distract? How safe Am I really? I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I knew. So I packed up my crackers to do a little real world research.

236 Saltines, 104 Club, 86 Melba toast plus many other styles

Now to find the duck.

Worst place to feed ducks: IHOP.

They just fill up on pancakes.

Best place to feed ducks: the city park.


These ducks are more aggressive them private pond ducks. After about fifteen minutes I had quite a crowd, even the misfits showed up.

Homestar Runner “That is one ugly bird.”

Then after thirty minutes in, the geese showed up. They are even more aggressive, they’re down right mean.

After an hour, the ducks lost interest.

I moved over to the lazy ducks and unloaded the rest of the crackers. They mostly just waited for me to toss them the crackers. These are not the ducks I need to worry about attacking.


Turns out, I did have enough crackers to thwart a duck attack, but after me in-depth research, I’m left with none.


Don’t worry, I’m still safe. I discovered something about ducks. For some reason, they hate laser light.

So for safety sake, keep a laser pointer with you at all times.

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